Capricious
by Thoughtless7
Summary: What people need to see is that it's all beautiful. All the ises and is nots are of equal beauty and grace and even everything in between everything from the cherry blossoms to the noose burns to the splash of red on the wall and oh, the red.
1. Chapter 1: Kafuka

**Capricious**

**Chapter 1: ****Fuura Kafuka**

It was weighing on my mind a lot though. The difference. Between _is _and _was _and if he was some odd combination of both wrapped in the fear of it all, in the wonderful gray in the middle as a refuge. Because shade is safe. Not all one, not all another it spoke against bitter loyalties that only ended in betrayal. It was an admittance of disloyalty and that might have been better, but I wonder if he was admitting it to himself.

He knew though, I knew he knew, in that ever growing pit, everyone has a pit. A dark pit where everything is all or nothing, is is or _is not. _Because there. I can see all the ises and is nots_. _And if I have a dark pit than so must he of course. Everyone has a dark pit.

So I just don't know though. Whether or not he was an is or an is not. So I thought, maybe he was a was_. _And I didn't know really what to make of that, baffling situation, but. There are times when people are not ises or is nots. It is these times when they grasp out in utter confusion and despair. Because imperfection. We love structure, we hate structure.

What people need to see is that it's all beautiful. All the ises and is nots are of equal beauty and grace and even everything in between everything from the cherry blossoms to the noose burns to the splash of red on the wall and oh, the red. The immediate is not is beautiful for someone grasping at is and is not, and the decision of is not makes a red that's so pretty and...

But wases? Is that what to call the middle? A was? Even I'm not sure. Does that make me a was? I don't think so. I think I'm an _am. _I am_._

But I can't be an am, for there was a time when I was an is, and I don't know if an is can be an am. Or maybe I was always an am, but just now, I was a was or was I still an am? For now, I am. And it's beautiful. I wish I could make everyone an am. But is nots are pretty too. But only red comes out, not their dark pit, and I'm kinda sad cuz if I saw their dark pit I could know for sure if they were at one point an is. But maybe the dark pit turns red when you're an is not. Chiri likes is nots, because they're completely is nots, while ises can always become wases or is nots. Is nots stay is nots. I'm just an am though.

* * *

**A/N: **It's about time I wrote a fic that was more than a chapter. XD This fic is over halfway done, though I'll post it a bit slower, with a few days in between...anyways, this is gonna be sort of stream of consciousness and about 11-12 chapters. It's gonna be weird, aha. XD The chapters are gonna be fairly short, so there's that too. Feedback appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2: Chiri

**Capricious**

**Chapter 2: Kitsu Chiri**

Well, she told me that I was quite cruel, heh.

I told her that she was being silly

and completely incorrect in her man

ner of thinking. That Harumi-san. A

kagi-san and I were simply fini

shing what we started in that a job should

be either completely done or not e

ven attempted. Half done is not my way.

So I wonder. That sensei. When he is

going to be proper. And as such fi

nish his own job. I have such an abhor

rence for those who leave a job in the mid

dle. You must have a beginning and an

end. If you have a beginning and no

end

* * *

And it is that that I hate about my

* * *

This incessant curl in my hair, it makes

me see red. Things must be perfect. I am

sick of being surrounded by imper

fection. There is nothing worth not being

perfect. There is nothing. Nothing. All are

destined to destined to to to to to

* * *

Doesn't he see how hard I try for him?

But if he is going to be a loose

end the only destiny that awaits

him is silenced perfection. I will get

Akagi-san's help and it will become

easy and perfect, easy and perfect.

* * *

**A/N: **Kafuka's real name is speculated to be An Akagi, so that is Akagi-san. I wish I thought in ten syllable lines!


	3. Chapter 3: Abriu

**Capricious**

**Chapter 3: Kobushi Abiru**

It was nice and sunny out. A lovely day, really. Today that lovely steed would wag its tail so carelessly, it drove me mad. Like it didn't know how wonderful it loooooked! So pretty! Just one tug...

Another bandage couldn't hurt. It looks nice. Oh

"Sensei! Itoshiki-sensei!"

He's at the zoo? That's new. He looks up, slightly relieved, and I wonder if I am a lesser evil in comparison to my other classmates. Slightly arrogant and humbling at the same time for me to say.

"I am in a state of shock. The children here-- completely disrespectful to me. They have left me in despair!" It is a weekend, however. Makes the children rowdier. "That's no excuse!"

We walk for a bit. It's nice. He goes off about old traditions being marred by today's society, and I do little to contribute besides the occasional nod of my head and "Yes, yes." Though I do think of some traditions I disagree with... And those praised bobtails. Our people are stupid. Missing the point missing the splendor missing it. But sensei would probably disagree. All garbed in his traditional clothes. I do not begrudge him for it, however.

Something is strange in the air today, though. Bags there. I see them. Under his eyes. And weight. In his voice. That is what's wrong with sensei, though. Man was given something beautiful. The brain. But the more you know, the more you know you don't know. It's going farther into a tunnel where the exit gets farther as you walk. And you can't turn back. He is silent. I do not tell him this, I just walk with him in silence, then tug on his sleeve.

"Take care of yourself, sensei."

From this on it is his decision.

And he leaves.

Deciding for someone...is it good or bad...and why on earth do I think of that? Who would decide for him?

* * *

**A/N****: **The Japanese bobtail, a breed of cats with an almost nonexistant tail, are praised as bringers of good luck, and I'd imagine this is much to Abiru's chagrin. Feedback appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4: Kiri

**Capricious**

**Chapter 4: Komori Kiri**

I may not understand him, but I love him and I trust him. But I do not understand many people so it is to be expected. Even the one I love is outsider. Everyone outsider. Everyone brave. I do not understand.

I like making food. He eats it and then some of me is some of him like some of him is some of me and I can take solace in that when I wrap the blanket around me and think affectionately of him. And think that maybe, just maybe, he thinks affectionately of me in his blanket.

He stays late one day. And there is that in his gait. Of that I know. Being that I am some of him. But not fully. So I don't really know.

"Sensei..."

"I've marked you present."

I laugh at that and invite him to the school closet. He stands there. And my smile diminishes the longer he stands there. Just being. Nothing else. So far away. His eyes are so far away. Like they're outside.

"Sensei..."

"I've marked you present."

I bristle and sigh. "I may not understand you, but I love you and I trust you."

* * *

**A/N: **I've just finished chapter 7, and after a dip in the word count in chapter 6, the chapters will be longer, just FYI. xD Feedback appreciated~!


	5. Chapter 5: Matoi

**Capricious**

**Chapter 5: Tsunetsuki Matoi**

I do indeed understand him. It is like understanding the ocean. Do not expect it to be constant. Capricious. Ebbing and flowing. He is wonderful wonderful wonderful I love him love him love him.

Love is like the ocean too. Boundless. Ebbing. Flowing. But mine is not fickle. Never. Because I love him love him love him.

He sits. His tide is out. Very much so. I'd never seen him as such. But I want to see all of him because I love him love him love hi

"Tsunetsuki-san."

Dizzy. Almost faint at the call of my name. Bliss. "Sensei?"

He looks up. Introspective eyes. Normally they do not look so far off. Normally they ground faster. He should know to come down now. It was worrying. "Your presence is a bit disconcerting."

Words I've heard before. Nothing but noise, lack, words are. Not like love. Of which is boundless as the ocean.

He laughs. "Then. Love. It is what you prize?"

"Of course. It should be the prize of all mankind."

"I am jealous."

"Then make it your prize."

"But it is not."

"Make it is, than."

"But I can't."

"So that's what's bothering you. Your lack. Words are lack. Look to what you want. Most likely it is love. So fulfilling. I love you."

"But that's you."

"But we are unified in our love!"

_"__You understand nothing."_

Dizzy. Almost feel pain. Like a smack to the face. My cheeks are wet.

"Tsunetsuki-san, don't..."

"It's okay...even if you say that...words are noise...I still love you...I always will..."

"And if I'm gone?"

"We were going to die together, weren't we?"

"If I die before you?"

"I will have to follow you."

"Tsunetsuki-san, don't be so stupid, so ignorant, you will get more love--"

and his lips were awkward and wrapped around a sentence while mine tried to wrap around his after a forward lunge and he stalled, not pushing away but I should go before I'm forced to go so instead his chest is warm on my face and his back is strong against my hands.

"We were going to die together, weren't we...?"

* * *

**A/N: **And next chapter is the halfway, turning point. xD Happy Mother's Daaaay~


	6. Chapter 6: Sensei

**Capricious**

**Chapter 6: Itoshiki Nozomu**

I was is. I was is not. I was mostly was.

And now I am is not.

How liberating. How binding.

* * *

**A/N****: **Sorry for the abnormally long delay xD

And SORRY FOR THIS CHAPTER XD But it was necessary. Next chaps are longer.

Oh, and if you didn't catch it, he's dead now~


	7. Chapter 7: Matoi

**Capricious**

**Chapter 7: Tsunetsuki Matoi**

_Hochzeitsvorbereitungen auf dem Lande._

While my love was strongest, his was purest. A pure love that reached me suddenly, awakening something deeper than ever before.

Mine is perpetual. Continuing. Heavy. It is the strongest yet most selfish love out there. So of course I change my character to suit the person who owns my heart- it is an apology for being so selfish.

But I didn't even realize the reason. Because other loves were selfish too. Less reaching.

Unrequited love is said to be the purest love. And just as he was filling romantic ideas into my mind- a double suicide with Takeshi- he admits to me his love. And leaves, allowing me to be with Takeshi. For me to be happy at the expense of his own.

His love reached me, though. Such a pure love. A stark contrast. And from then on, it was different. I was no longer fickle. He was the purest, truest man I'd ever met, and I was set on becoming his wife.

He can sleep like a log some nights. Other nights he will shift restlessly and cry out. Such a poor tragic man, those nights I would think about how much good a wife could do for him. I at least could do the domestic chores for him. In apology for being so selfish.

There was often silence between us. I was quite content in that. It made the times he called for me even sweeter. And if he was in a good mood, he would put down his guard enough so that I could steal a silence, only for him to become rowdy, yelling that I was a pervert. He must realize that as future spouses, a kiss here and there is not uncommon.

Our honeymoon was to be among the tombstones. I will not grab at a selfish life. For him I will spend my honeymoon among the tombstones.

But I thought we were going to be _together._

And now he lays upon the tombstones alone.

"_Give him back!"_

The wall is as it always is except it is now my last contact with his life. The red blood is all that remains. "You monsters _you monsters!" _

Give him back give him back please, please...just give him back...

Hunched over. There are no sounds besides the echoes of sobbing, hysterical, heavy sobbing. A figure behind me shifts their weight from one leg to the other, watching intently. Another figure takes a step.

"Oh, so you were here this whole time. Do you want to join him?"

God in heaven, yes I do. "Do to me what you did to him...I will lay with him among the tombstones!"

The figure brings something resembling a cleaver to their face. "What was done to him was not very pleasant, you see. It took him a while to be an is not! I'm surprised you only just realized now...I suppose even you have to sleep!"

"Monsters..."

"Wah, of course not. A monster, something I've only heard of in stories, or seen on television! They can't be so close, can't possibly be so close."

"_Monsters..._"

More sobbing. Preparation. "Kill me like you killed him...with my last breath of life...I won't be selfish! Do it, you monsters!"

The sobbing ended a long while later.

* * *

**A/N: **_Hochzeitsvorbereitungen auf dem Lande: _German phrase that means Wedding Preparations in the Country. It is an uncompleted work by Franz Kafka depicting the journey of the groom, Raban, travelling to meet his future wife Betty in the country. The intention was to make the story into a novel, but only fragments of the piece were found, published by Kafka's friend Max Brod._  
_


	8. Chapter 8: Kiri

**Capricious**

**Chapter 8: Kiri Komori  
**

_Ein Hungerk__ünstler._

And I couldn't help but wonder if I had just gone wrong somewhere from the beginning, from the very first thought of my conception. If mine was a soul meant for another world, and I had been grabbed into this one. I wasn't an outsider, I was an insider. Everyone else was so odd. If you're the only odd person then you're odd. But if everyone else is odd, then you're in the wrong place, which makes you odd as well. If you're the only outsider, you're alone, just as you are alone if you're the only insider.

But for an outsider it's just frustrating. For an insider it's scary, because you're surrounded. Outsiders can move away. Insiders are surrounded.

I was surrounded, that day. By that girl and Sensei. Until I was successfully smoked out of my sanctuary, like prey. But then he'd parted my hair and said such kind words to me that I could forgive him, if only because for once I didn't feel like I didn't belong. And for that moment of feeling like maybe I wasn't in the wrong universe, he'd taken my heart.

"_I've marked you as present."_

The blanket hugs tighter, and I need it to be so. Brushing me off so freely, people are so frivolous. Away from society is away from the frivolous, confusing outsiders.

Outsider in, makes the insider go out, in a fruitless battle of one side trying to be the other. How I miss him now. For him I might try to be an outsider...

The door is open now.

"Komori-san, I thought I'd find you here."

"Chie-sensei...what are you doing here?"

Something about this outsider's presence had always been calming, like she was as protective as my blanket. Her eyes are troubled but calming. She gestures for me to sit by her, and I lay my head comfortably on her lap with the blanket hugged around me too. I asked her what I should cook today, and her face scrunches up, troubled, and I think, even if she seems troubled she is still a calming person to be around. As far as teachers go she is second only to Sensei, and that was only a matter of timing; if it had been her at first I may have fallen for her instead. Feelings must be a string of coincidences like that, if it had one person or another then the relationship would be completely different.

She runs a hand through my hair, and I'm caught between that wonderful stage just before unconsciousness, the most aware yet least aware, because sleep is so mystical but you need to be awake to acknowledge anything so almost asleep and barely awake is closest to that mystical time that you can't see.

"Komori-san, I don't know how to tell you this..." Her voice is an echo and her face is fuzzy so I can't tell if her face is scrunched up and troubled anymore, whether she is trying to tell me something important or not, but it's because I'm almost asleep anywa "He's gone."

_What's with the students in my class; it's enough if I'm the one having troubles._

"Who...?"

"He just needed someone to vent to, so he always came to me...but after a while it seemed that it wasn't enough...like the want to change the world became a need that went unfulfilled, and when needs are unfulfilled..."

Sleep has become distant. I feel the water welling in my eyes. "Killed...himself?"

She bites her lip and looks to the side, trying to escape and forget what she says next. "Actually...he was murdered...brutally..."

"S-Sensei? Who- who killed sensei? Sensei is dead...?"

She's my second blanket, maybe. She wraps around me and rubs the back of my head. "I'm sorry..."

* * *

**A/N: **_Ein Hungerk__ünstler: _German phrase meaning "A Hunger Artist," or "A Fasting Artist." It is a short story published by Franz Kafka in 1922. It opens with the description of a caged man in public, starving himself for his art. Caged from the world, onlookers pass by, bitterly saying that he is probably sneaking food. The man himself prefers people who come close to him, and share his life story only with these people. After fasting for forty days, the crowd cheers as he is taken out and spoon fed, but the man knows he can fast even longer. However, after he finishes his forty days, it seems no one cares about starvation artists. He tries to join a circus to spread his art, but no one seems to see him in his cage, even after he fast for more than forty days. People all but forget about him, the manager even does not seem to see him anymore. He dies and is unceremoniously buried. His cage then occupied by a lively, attractive panther.

I kind of ship Chie/Kiri. xD There are many more females than males in this series, it is inevitable I find a lot of yuri to ship :P

Readers, what should the genre of this story be? I still don't know what category to put it in. O.o_  
_


	9. Chapter 9: Abiru

**Capricious**

**Chapter 9: Kobushi Abiru**

_Ein altes Blatt._

That annoying sense of return on Monday morning. Inescapable sense of obligation. The backpack is heavy, weighs me down from the back, what kinds of back problems do students receive daily? What long term damage indeed.

Overcast clouds look so brooding and neutral. Apathetic skies broken by the wail of a siren. Cars pierce the air, the bleeding air pulsing towards me, and I look back. Sirens, police cars.

A Very Bad Thing happens every day. But daily instance is not enough to rupture our lives, just to give both a sense of foreboding and an increasing amount of weariness. Even at a young age these give a sense of either ignorance or becoming jaded.

This Very Bad Thing hopefully does not concern me. And the utter frequency of Very Bad Things compared to the nearly nonexistent amount of Very Bad Things that have happened in my life- it's probably nothing to be concerned about.

But the empty desks, the sense of dread in the classroom- and I know something is wrong. It's in the eyes of each student, even they can all tell, something is surely wrong. There are discords and conspiring murmurs, all stories bred by curiosity and guess work.

The counselor Chie-sensei enters, and all minds screech to a halt, looking up at her with impatient expectancy and worry. She bites her lips, the lips that must tell us the Very Bad Thing, reluctant and sad.

* * *

We were released after the news, told to come to school tomorrow, told to take the day off to gather our thoughts. As I sit on the floor of my room, I absentmindedly run my hand along the wall, feeling the comfort and solace of each tail against my skin, the different textures all offering different voices of _It's okay, it's going to be all right._

Despite all the suicide he spoke of, I did not expect Sensei to take his own life. His constant cries of death were cries of change and attention to his ideals. A warped way of expressing it- but we're all mad here.

He was getting tired of it, bipolar tendencies degrading into just a depression, but no, I still did not expect Sensei to take his own life. As confused as he was, he would live on in his confusion- but was that his own sense of happiness, or degrade his life path to a self-viewed, jaded, and bitter martyr? Would Sensei become such a pathetic being if he still was is?

"We think alike sometimes, neh?" It was one of the odd instances where she seemed more grounded, more thoughtful, and her smile was less like a slapped on prosthetic and more like the soft grin of a human. "But no, that wasn't my truest reason, though thoughts like that entered my mind."

"Did Chiri-san influence you?" I ask her, wrapping my arms around my knees.

She rests her head on her hands, looking down a bit, giggling softly. "Chiri-chan always has her reasons, and I always have mine! They're different, but they come to the same end. Opposite reasons, same goals. Like when heroes and villains team up on television! And I think, then, isn't everyone a hero?" She looks up at me expectantly.

"Different methods or different reasons just speak to what choices they'll make later. Later goals may change, but it's all depending on the situation."

She looks thoughtful, leaning back onto my bed. "Then do Chiri-chan and I actually have similar ways of thinking, if our goal is always the same?"

I almost break out into laughter. "Surely you're joking..."

"Chiri-chan is is," she muses, "I am, and you..."

"Me?"

"You...are."

I blush despite myself, looking down, warmth spreading throughout my body. She speaks before I can respond. "But you know, that probably won't last, not because I want it to end, but because ams like me never seem to last."

I sigh. "...I'm helpless when it comes to you, aren't I? Am I an aren't when you're gone?"

But she has already left.

* * *

**A/N: **_Ein altes Blatt, _translated as _An Old Manuscript _in English, is a story that opens with a shoemaker opening his shop. He notices a group of nomads beginning to fill the town square. They seem to have no sense of culture, and as he looks on they trash the city. They also show no respect for others and take from stores without payment. The Emperor is also watching in another home, looking through the window at the destruction, unable to do anything. The shoemaker concludes by saying, "_The salvation of our fatherland is left to us craftmen and tradespeople, but we are not equal to such a task, nor indeed have we ever claimed to be capable of it. This is a misunderstanding, and it is proving the ruin of us._"

I've hit my chapter buffer DX That meaning, I haven't written anymore yet...because the last two chapters are totally the hardest. XD; Sorry! It was my birthday on June 25th, and I got the Sims 2 and I've been playing nonstop. Anyone know where I can get moar awesome custom content? :D (shot)

Yeah, I also ship Kafuka/Abiru. I have no real reason why. I just do. XD

I told you chapters were getting longer! Hee, this one is so close to one thousand words, I might just elongate the author's note to reach that silly goal! Oh hey there, it worked :D (shot again)


	10. Chapter 10: Chiri

**Capricious**

**Chapter 10: Kitsu Chiri**

_In der Strafkolonie: der soldat.__  
_

"Akagi-san, you are staying?" The sub

way speeds through its stops, light periodi

cally flashing through the windows once they

are passed, then veiling the train once again

in darkness. The metronome-like changing

is actually quite concise, and leaves

me content, as well as all the is nots

continuing to bleed on the ground and

seats. "Well...I'm surprised you're _not _staying." I glance

downwards, watching a particularly

precisely cut is not drain more and more

onto the floor. "Yes, well, there's no longer

any figurative anchor for me

here. And it isn't proper for a girl

to grow up in jail. This was by far my

messiest job, so I'm sure to be con

victed if I stay. I must pursue my

education elsewhere. I insist you

consider your options, Akagi-san.

There are very few here. I simply a

ssumed that you being on this subway with

me meant you were accompanying me."

"What are your reasons, Chiri-chan?" Aka

gi-san asks. "You ask such a thing now?" I

quip, bemused a bit. Really, this nice set

ting puts me in such a good mood. "You know

I cannot stand for discord. It just took

me a while to recognize the dis

cord in human spirit as well. These lit

tle romps with you are necessary for

my well-being and psyche." "Is that all?"

Her face is strange, she's more far off than u

sual, and I actually subcon

sciously feel the need to raise my defense.

"Of course not," I say, starting to get a

nnoyed. "Asking such a foolish question." "May

be it is best if you go," she muses.

"Chiri-chan should work as a librari

an, because she's so smart and orderly!

Yes, it's decided!" Her laughter is more

maniacal than usual, and I

just sigh. "You are being difficult and

short-sighted," I say in soft monotone.

"Is that so." It's not a question, and the

laughter is cut short abruptly and she

stares at me with another blank expre

ssion. "Or maybe Chiri-chan just doesn't

know where to go, and _she's _the one being

short-sighted. Maybe Chiri-chan is ac

tually was. And denying it. May

be Chiri-chan should be an is not."

I feel inside me the bubbling rise. "Not another word." My voice tastes like venom, and the blade is suddenly against Akagi-san's neck.

"Oh, Chiri-chan!" She's laughing again, her eyes not four inches from mine. "You are! You are, you are, you are was!"

"NOT ANOTHER WORD!" Sfhskriewlhjud whjswan ml ygsa

"An3d4 y6oyu kn0uu," s6h3 swhys, "m6ayb3 th%t;s okay."

I stare. "Okay? _Okay? _Akagi-san,

listen to yourself, of course it isn't

_okay _to be was! There are ises! There

are is nots! And there are ams! And _nothing _

_else! _Wases should not _exist!_ So we are

helping! We are saving them, we are ma

king them is nots! It's wonderful! And here

you are accusing me of such a _wre_

_tched _crime? I should take care of you right now..."

"Why not? Why can't there be wases?" There is

frustration in her voice now. "How come, Chi

ri-chan? I thought I was helping, but may

be I'm not. Maybe everything...maybe

everything is beautiful." I glare at

her, but turn, repressing the urge to take

care of her. "Whatever tangent it is

that you're on," I say, "I recommend you

reconsider it. _You're _the one that sounds

like a was." "You told me people who are

was are unhappy, and that they'd be ha

ppier is not. Chiri-chan sure is ho

nest, isn't she?" The upbeat, cheery way

she said it was so aggravating and

subtly sarcastic that it took all of

my will to keep walking and walking on.

* * *

**A/N: **_In der Strafkolonie: der soldat _(translating into _In the Penal Colony) _tells of an elaborate torture and execution device that carves the sentence of the condemned prisoner on his skin in a script before letting him die, all in the course of twelve hours. As the plot unfolds, the reader learns more and more about the machine, including its origin, and original justification. Only four characters are introduced: the Officer, the Traveler, the Soldier, and the Condemned. The Officer tells the Traveler of the religious epiphany that all those executed experience within the last 6 hours of their life, and basically believe in the justice that it promotes. However, it is the last time the machine will run, so instead of the Condemned dying, the Officer tries to use it on himself- however, it malfunctions, and quickly stabs the Officer instead, denying him the religious epiphany he so prized.

GUYS THAT CHAPTER WAS SO ANNOYING MY GOD CHIRI YOU'RE SO ANNOYING WHY DO YOU THINK IN 10 SYLLABLE LINES WHY

Also my 17 month anniversary with my boyfriend is tomorrow yay 8/3~

_GENTLEMEN. _We are approaching our last chapter next. Proceed with caution.

The ending of SZS had Chiri looking so _evil _on a train I had to do it. And I know Japan has above ground trains but _subways _guys they're so cool when they don't smell like pee


End file.
